This is a sticky post to let you know when the last update of sections on the Contents page was. If you are scratching your head about this "Contents" page, check the upper right corner... dumbass. I feel like I need to wave a big neon sign around... read the FAQ be-otches.

Dave FAQ: June 2nd, 2004
Things that are Good: April 28th, 2004
Obviously Ridiculous Shit: May 5th, 2004
Random Shit: May 5th, 2004

PS: This means the newest post will always be located BELOW this post... "sticky" means this will always be at the top. Wow... sad as it may be I'm pretty sure someone may have been confused by this *looks across the room at his roomate* ... yep.

PS II: If you are easily offended, stupid, have no sense of humor, and/or are allergic to satire... please leave this site now. Thank you and don't forget, "You break it, you buy it!"

- Dave

Dave gone.
Dave not here right now.
Dave went away.

- ???

I hate clothes hangers... I am convinced that it is not possible to even set them near each other without them becoming entangled in an almost irreconcilable manner. The metal ones at least... to all you fancy people with plastic ones I suppose this doesn't apply to YOU (but nobody likes you anyway). I'm tempted to put one clothes hanger on one side of the room and another on the opposite, close the door for 5 seconds, and then open it back up really fast to see if they somehow got tangled up together. THEY WILL FIND A WAY. So yah... I just got done hanging up my shirts, it's an exercise in frustration every time. I suppose only having one arm doesn't help... okay, so I have two, but I had you going.

- Dave, the 1 armed bandit

Lesson #1: Staggering and slurred speech do NOT attract the ladies.

Lesson #2: If a girl has been sitting with one guy all night talking to him you probably won't be able to get her to go home with you instead.

Lesson #3: No really, even if you ask every girl in the bar, which Simon did... if you are about to fall over drunk you probably won't catch the interest of any of the ladies.

I feel that my life education would not be complete without my Swiss friend, Simon. He teaches me all of lifes REALLY valuable lessons in easy to understand and helpful ways. Things like... the damage extensive drug and alcohol use can do to your memory... that getting pissed on is not sanitary... and most importantly, if someone is old enough to be your mother you probably shouldn't ask her to go out in the woods with you.

Cory also taught me something... "Man... my head hurts." with the simple reply, "Mine too." is considered deep conversation at 8:30 AM the morning after a night at the bar.

- Dave, wow... just wow

A bit of advice... avoid Yeggermeister at all costs. Don't ask questions, just do it.

Not alot of humorous things going on lately, sorry to dissapoint my fans. I'll think of something, so keep your pants on -- or not, it's all the same to me.

- Dave, sworn to never touch Yeggermeister again

I saw a MAN at Taco Bell wearing a tie-dye mini-skirt... that is all... share in my horror.

- Dave, scarred for life

Simon made it back alive. Yes folks, he wasn't blown away by any severe weather. I think Andrew was dissapointed.

Anyone wanna come be my personal chef? Cooking takes too much time. Although, I must admit, I have mad cooking skills.

- Dave, the supa-chef

... and it tastes alot like a glazed Krispy Kreme Donut. Have you LOOKED at the label? But man... death tastes kinda good.

But seriously... I think it really tastes like a Hungry Man Breakfast. Yah, click the link... you'll see what I mean. I think I had a minor heart attack just thinking about it. A bunch of guys sat down at a table and thought this out, "Just how quickly can we build up the plaque on the walls of someones arteries?" And the Hungry Man Breakfast was born...

Oh yah... and since Simon is back from his week long sickness after being pissed upon (I think they two are definatly connected, he literally missed a week of work)... we have Simon's dumb shit of the day!

About 2:00 PM

SIMON: Well guys, I gotta go help my parents down in Florida board up their house and shit.

ANDREW: So are you gonna bring extra gas and food supplies, y'know, since you are driving into a hurricane zone?

SIMON: Nah man... I'm sure Wendy's will be open and I'll just get gas while I'm there.

ANDREW: Simon... they just had the biggest evacuation in Florida history a week ago, and they are starting to have one again... gas stations were running out. Don't you think you should be prepared?

SIMON: Nah man... I'll be fine, I'll just buy gas in Georgia, whatever.

Andrew is taking bets on whether or not Simon makes it back to work on Monday... I don't think that he will. As he drives off... totally unprepared into a hurricane zone... will we ever see Simon again? Will our hero make it through this adventure? Heck... he survived being pissed on by a girl who has slept with over 100 guys (oh yes, so we found out later), you never know. I still think the sickness was throat herpes or something...

DAMNIT BILLY!

- Dave, oh my yes... Simon is my anti-drug

So... as promised... the rest of the story.

Simon goes up to the Rusty Rudder one fateful night and gets hammered. Nothing unusual for Simon, of course. But on this night he would bring home with him a girl, who shall henceforth be known as, "Pee-Girl."

Now... apparantly Pee-Girl has been wanting some Swiss action for a while, and being as hammered as he was Simon was up for anything. Keeping in mind Simon admits he really isn't very attracted to Pee-Girl in the first place you may not be suprised that he was having trouble performing, well, the alcohol probably didn't help either. But... for 2 long hours Pee-Girl tried but our Swiss hero simply couldn't get in gear. So they gave up and went to bed.

Enter about 3:00 AM or so... Simon wakes up to a warm feeling on his leg. Yes folks, Simon was being urinated upon by Pee-Girl in her hung-over half asleep condition. So he jumps up, smacks her a few times to wake her up and demands she stay to clean the mess up when he goes to work. But did Simon shower immediatly? No... he went back to sleep curled up in the dry corner for a few more hours... THEN got up, showered, and came to work.

Lunch time at work rolls around and we had all been having a good laugh at Simon's expense as usual... and he calls his apartment to ensure Pee-Girl was doing her cleaning duties, and she was. Now... here is the kicker. When Simon got home he found a note she left asking him to call her later... and if that wasn't suprising enough Simon was very tempted to do so. But seeing as he knows he isn't attracted to her he came up with a brilliant solution, tried and proven through the ages started back with the ancient Greek philosopher Socrates... "Just hit it from the back, man." Man... Socrates was a smart guy, huh?

Ah yes... Simon is a character isn't he?

The End.

- Dave, Simon has been sick so I don't have any new stories yet...

Wow... Simon is almost my hero for this one.

Not only could he not get it up... but he got pissed on.

Yah, you read that correctly... more on this story when I get time.

- Dave, never been pissed on